And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize