You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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