From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
