3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
