What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
