it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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