Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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