Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
