sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
