i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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