totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
