4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
People in love make me want to vomit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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