i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
