I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
