My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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