i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
