Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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