you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
