There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
