God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He better not be in your backpack
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
