I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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