Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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