just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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