There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
