It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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