If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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