I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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