whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
