erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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