You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's shark week go big or go home
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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