so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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