Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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