she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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