I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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