i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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