If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
