I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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