TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
