I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
