if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
try to milk me bitch
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