his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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