I'm pants shitting drunk right now
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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