She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dignity is for republicans.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
