some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
