Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
