We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
