I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
