I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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