So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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