I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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