So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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