Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
