Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
