Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
